yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
