My first STD was from a foam party
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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