I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
