Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
