I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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