did you get engaged???
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
