apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
