She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
