walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
