waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
