My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
