she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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