HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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