I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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