I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
