i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
