Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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