I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
