I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
