All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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