"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
