Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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