and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
