I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
