Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
