Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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