i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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