Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
