I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
