So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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