Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
