someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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