hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
