I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he thought i was a dude.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
