I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
