ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
