I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
