So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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