I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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