I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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