She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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