One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
