we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
