If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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