i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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