There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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