Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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