i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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