Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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