Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
