so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
