So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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