so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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