just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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