hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
