My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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