I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize