On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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