I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ttyl tear gas
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
